Am I smarter than my smartphone?

Dear Diary,

I lost my phone today. . . again. I think maybe I am not smart enough to have a smart phone. I am a loser. I always put it in my pocket so it will be handy if it rings. I dug and dug in my rucksack, but it wasn't there. I was not too worried. I must have left it at home. Damn it! No checking email at lunch today or stalking my friends on Facebook, the whole day (It was an aggravation, but I would survive).

As soon as I got home after work, I looked in the pockets of the jacket I wore the day before. No phone. Well, maybe I left it in my pants pockets. I searched them and all the other pants in my closet, just in case. No luck.

Call the phone! It will ring and I can find it (I said to myself). I called it but it was switched off! What could it mean? I was panicking and sweat started to trickle down my forehead. Either the battery was dead or someone had turned it off. My heart sank. However, some of these phones have this fancy app on them called ‘Find Phone’. It picks up the phone's signal and tells you the location of your phone. I clicked Find my Phone but it only found my iPad, the one in my hands.

Apparently, ‘Find Phone’ only works if the phone is turned on (wrong time to discover that). Last time I lost the phone, the app located it in the car. The car? That's an idea. I went outside and searched the car. It wasn't there. This time I had really lost it. Maybe someone would find it and return it? Yeah, right, someone will turn in my really expensive phone? Why did I have to buy a smart phone?

I'm not smart enough to have a smart phone. That’s it!! If it is lost, I am going to do without a phone. (I know I am telling a lie, but it makes me feel better).

Sometimes phones turn up later. We found my last phone behind the bed a month after it was lost. The bed? Did I look behind the bed? I looked again, also under the bed, and under the blankets, sheets and pillows.

I was starting to panic. "I lost my phone," I told my mother.

"Is it in your bag?"

"No"

"Did you look in your coat pockets?"

"Yes"

"How about the car?"

"Yes"

She continued naming off all the places I had already looked. Sometimes something turns up where you have already looked, so I looked again. How often have I found my lost debit card in my wallet, right where it was the entire time it was lost?

In desperation I looked everywhere, under the sofa cushions, under my desk and even in the refrigerator. No use, I'm a loser. It's gone!

So, I did what I always tell my friends and family to do. "Sit down and think back to every place you've been since you had it." I looked in the bathroom where I made a pit stop, in my sister’s room where I sat for a few minutes and talked to her. Then I had changed clothes into something more comfortable - wait a minute. Where are those clothes?

I searched the dirty laundry, no phone. But no dirty sweat pants either. That's odd! I've lost my pants too? How could I lose my pants? If I can find my pants, I can find my phone, I'll bet. Then I remembered the hook on the back of the bathroom door where I hung them when I took a shower. I ran to check.

Yes, the phone was in the pocket. I found it!

The phone was dead as the proverbial door nail. When I put it to the charge, the alarm sounded to tell me it was found, as if I didn't know.

And that's the story of how I outsmarted my smart phone. . . at least this time.

Until the next.