Adele is my greatest enemy

The other day while sounding out the words of a website called howigotdumped.com (this was during my post break up phase, stop judging me), it was ironic that I came across an article which talked about, how there aren’t enough women writing comedy pieces. So, I put down the giant chocolate bar, wiped my tears and thought to myself, “Yes, this is what I will do”. I will write comedy. I will make others laugh. This will be my true calling.

                                          

So, I switched on my pink laptop, opened an empty word document and told myself “Let’s do this sh*t”! As I waited for an inspiration to kick start my first ever humor article, the song on my ipod changed from a rather upbeat Motown song called “My Girl” to Adele’s sorrow filled “Someone like you”. It is then, that it struck me that as long as I continued to listen to Adele, no matter how heart wrenching, soul stirring her songs may be, I will never be able to think happy, write happy or even be happy. Not only did that girl unabashedly encourage my morose behavior post break-up but her songs also gave me some solid fool proof  ideas for writing my first novel on ‘How to live a successful life as a lunatic ex-girlfriend’ (I think that title is a winner)

Take for instance the song that’s playing on my ipod right now ‘Someone like you’.

"I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,

But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,"

It’s the perfect plan. There is nothing better than landing up at my ex’s house uninvited. Imagine the shock on his new girlfriend’s face. I already know where he lives. Now, all I have to do is to practice my sad-eyes and look like a mad weirdo. Yeah, that’s definitely going to scare her away. There’s no way she’d want to be with a man, who once went out with a freak like me who refuses to give up even after a spate of midnight calls were left ignored.

"I had hoped you'd see my face,

And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,"

Sure my ex may have met someone new, courted, married, been on a honeymoon, moved into a new house and is even visibly happy. But it’s always fun to remind him that with me around, things may never be safe. I’ve been practicing my haunted-face look for a while now, where else do you think I am going to use it.

"Don't forget me, I beg,"

This one is the best. So, basically what Adele is telling me is that I must lose all my self-respect and do all that I can to make sure my ex never forgets me. I have already tried everything I possibly could and now I must beg.

 "You know how the time flies,

Only yesterday was the time of our lives,"

My ex may as well be married today but we were together only till yesterday. It doesn’t take much long to be reminded of that. At least that’s what I learnt from all that incessant calling, texting, emailing and often gate crashing.

"Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"

Hopefully all my efforts in proving to be a lunatic ex-girlfriend left a good taste in your mouth. The last time I checked, it tasted pretty good to me.

Well, would you look at that? I’ve totally run out of time, and now instead of writing a comedy piece, I now feel completely inspired to stalk my ex-boyfriend on Facebook. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried yet. I need some dope on him you know. Otherwise how else am I supposed to ‘lay his sh*t bare’ like Adele sang in Rolling in the deep.

Oh well, so maybe I will never be able to write comedy but I sure would be able to rake in the million bucks writing that novel I mentioned. Maybe that will be my true calling; thanks to Adele who continues to encourage my lunatic behavior. Now, if you’d excuse me, I’d like to return to my day job of knitting tampon cozies and being best friends with everybody.

5 Unethical People in an elevator

As children, we are all pretty much taught very early on in our lives about the importance of etiquettes and social ethics. Parents across the world have tailor made their own set of commandments, which if followed by their children, will apparently make them socially acceptable/ liked/ applauded/ appreciated (add any other appropriate adjective). For some parents, educating their children about good ethics and manners is as important as defining that thin line that differentiates man from animal.  Sometimes learning how to say thank you, please is as important as learning how to walk. One must learn how to be polite before one can even talk.

However, ones understanding and knowledge of these social ethics and how well they have been imbibed is really put to the test in an elevator. For some reason it’s that one place on Earth, where children and adults alike throw all kinds of etiquettes out of the window. Or, should I say, out of the elevator. The same people who greet you with a warm smile out on the street, turn obnoxious inside an elevator. And it’s not only that one person but everyone in that elevator seems to behave in a similar fashion. Sometimes, it makes me wonder, if every elevator in the world releases some kind of elevator-occupant friendly-obnoxious fumes. Which when inhaled, turns everyone into invidious clones of each other. Because, surprisingly enough, no matter the country, the state, the building, the floor, the elevator; one will always find the following 5 types of people in every elevator. Without exception.

TYPE 1: The Button Pusher:

The species which pushes the button over and over again is called the ‘Button Pusher’. They push the elevator button multiple times, sometimes ferociously, as if it will make the elevator come any faster. Many a times, they are also found pushing both the up and down button as if the arrows are actually meant for the same direction, but have been designed for the convenience of the button pushers, so they could push as many buttons as possible.

TYPE 2: The Impatient Traveller:

Very common tale in our country but nevertheless the impatient deserves a mention. The species is often found jumping on in the elevator before anyone else, naturally breaking the queue. Obviously they believe that the elevator will take them to their destination a lot sooner than others if push on it first.

TYPE 3: The Lift Driver

Yeah, who would’ve known that an elevator would also have it own non-designated driver? This strange species is obsessed with being in control and being in the driver’s seat. They are often found standing too close to the buttons making it practically impossible for the other occupants of the elevator to press the desired buttons. Sometimes they pretend to be polite by asking you “which floor?” just so that they can push the button for you. Other times they just like to be in the driver’s seat, even if there is none.

TYPE 4: The Social Monster

These species hate leaving a conversation unfinished. So, if they had already indulged in a conversation before boarding the elevator with someone, they are often found holding the door open, shouting across the lobby until the conversation is finished, as if everyone was interested in their conversation. They are also the same people who just cannot shutup long enough to ride an elevator. They usually chat up every uncomfortable being in the elevator. Sometimes, when they don’t find people to talk to, they resort to fervently texting or calling up someone in the midst of their elevator journey. It seldom makes a difference that their phone will receive very poor signal, inside the elevator.

TYPE 5: The inconsiderate Nincompoops

There are a variety of nincompoops with different talents found in the elevators. Often the most potent and annoying of the lot; they are usually the ones who’ll walk in with big backpacks, brief cases, bumping you around carelessly. Then there are those who walk in with toxic body odours, tobacco odours and other kinds of lethal odours; coolly indifferent to those around. The worst are the one who suffer from uncontrollable chronic flatulence. The only time they find the need to release themselves is amongst unassuming innocent people trapped for 5 minutes in an elevator. I needn’t say anything more about them. Much has been experienced by us all.

Anyway, my elevator is finally here. I have to go now. I don’t have anything else to say except, man these elevators in my office are bloody slow.